Cops wife with a lack of grace

I dramatically sat my husband down about 1 year ago and told him... "If something happens on the job i don't want one of your captains that i don't know to be the one to break it to me." I proceeded to tell him i would prefer one person, the one i had known the longest that was in our wedding. That way when he came in my crazy, messy, chaotic house he would not be thinking about CPS he would know that that;'s how i roll and have some emotional connection with me.
Tonight the door bell rings... I thought it was Jay because Kendi was screaming daddy. So karly's starts crawling to the door, and Aidan is racing me to the door... when i realize that it is the "one man". My heart sunk... I almost felt faint. i dropped the bag of frozen french fries. I knew what his being at the door during j's shift without j meant! I flung the door open, pushed kids out of the way with my foot and shut it behind me. i practically screamed in his face "WHAT HAPPENED!?!" He looked at me extremely puzzled. I am realizing he doesn't have that "i'm so sorry" look on his face... "Uhh there was a 911 hang up with kids playing in the background, i know your pregnancies don't go well, sooo i just thought i would check on you" All this time he has this look of "should i call your husband and have him come home, cuz lady you are crazy"
I texted him later and told him WHY i freaked out... he was sweet about it... I realized i am one cops wife who has a serious lack of grace!

PANIC & chickens

It starts with a flopping feeling in my chest... like my heart has turned into a medium sized trout that is flopping around on the ground desperately gasping for air. Then i start to feel like there is someone bear hugging the air out of my lungs. This is followed by dizziness and weakness... I've had panic attacks all my life. I was told by a Dr. that panic and anxiety disorders go hand in hand with ADD. I told myself all though Karly's pregnancy... just one more year then i can take some medication to help me deal with this anxiety. BUT i got myself knocked up just two weeks shy of medication freedom! The panic attacks started coming more frequently. Its not uncommon to have one before i even get out of bed. In high school they didn't have as bad of heart symptoms but there was ALWAYS massive amounts of tears... So i am thankful for, at least, being able to hide their presence!
Through this all I am taking on my fourth child and a little boy who needs some serious TLC. I am also taking on something i swore i would never do... I'm going to be a homeschooling mom! FYI... i am one of those mom's who is thankful for summer break to be over! Not because i want him to leave, but just because him and his sister fight.. and there's the "mom I'm bored"... Oh LORD!
Lately i wake up,i panic, i pray... "Lord confirm this. How can you ask this of me? How can i, the woman who can't keep toys picked up and the laundry done, be in charge of my childs education? I WILL FAIL! What if i screw his life up more than i already have... Confirm this one more time... Daddy please" .......... and He does... every day! Today he confirmed it with chickens... MY first lesson plan. Chickens.... Their eggs, what came first, God creating them, what happens if you put an egg in vinegar, how similar an egg membrane is to a cell membrane, osmosis, and lastly baby chickens... I wanted the finally to be an incubator and live baby chicks... Looked into it... would cost us around $200.. NOTGONNAHAPPEN... dont want something else to take care of that bad! So at awanas Aidan leader was passing out organic eggs... I asked her about them... She's calling me this week with an incubator to borrow for free and 6 fertile eggs.... He confirmed it with chickens, and encouragement!

Changes....

Karly: has learned to crawl like a big girl (finally). She no longer does the one are army crawl! She has discovered she can pull up on EVERYTHING, she also took her first step (on accident) last week! She is getting so big. Jay and i swear she grows every time she sleeps. She has adding woofing (like a dog) to her growling... Nice! We are weaning her off of her formula and on to goats milk in hopes that that will help with our chronic constipation : ( She got a big girl car seat and no longer rides in her baby seat : ( she is getting so big... She loves facing forward. She is officially 11 months old today.... and again : (! She has very little hair and two teeth!

Kendra: Is still a spit fire! We are learning she doesn't follow directions as well as other three year olds so we are going to start requiring more out of her. I think her dad and i have had sooo many battles with her that was just not something high on the priority list. She has successfully potty trained WHOOO HOO!!!!! Only took one year from the first time we tried! She took a couple ballet classes, but then we thought it best to wait alittle longer, she doesn't have the sitting still and listening skills down to well yet! We are going to look for some other outlet for her! She has crazy hair and is constantly going! She is SOOO funny!

Aidan: has had the most changes this month! In first grade he was diagnosed with ADHD. The dr said it was a severe cast and threw pills at us. Jay & I being naive took them and said thank you. Hind sight... I tell ya... can make a parent crazy with guilt! I have ADD as well a pretty bad case, so i guess we just thought that this diagnosis was unarguable, when in reality he may just be a little boy, or have a very mild case! We should have researched it and seen that there is a multitude of other options besides heavy duty class three drugs (basically speed). We began giving him his "meds" and there was an improvement but over the year and a half we managed to go from 5 mg to 20 mg... 20mg is what i take.... At that point he had every single side effect except one! He went from my little boy to a zombie kid that looked like my little boy but didn't' act like him. When even at 20mg he was still not succeeding in school we got our wake up call. Through MUCH talking, praying, and researching, we are taking him off his meds completely! But now we know that he won't pass second grade if he is off his meds (not to mention the massive layoffs this year will mean a HUGE class size next year) So through research i am thankful to announce that i will be homeschooling him. I am thankful because i can! In this economy its a miracle that i get to be a stay at home mom at all! Next week will be his last week! I will update more later!

Me: at first i was terrified to consider homeschooling... how could someone who also has ADD teach someone else? But the reality is "who better" I know the coping skills he needs to learn, i also know how to let go of things that are less important (my house) in order to focus on things that are (my kids). I also know (although so so hard to do) not to compare myself to other people and wonder why Jessica can have a perfect clean white house and i can't even keep my laundry done or my house picked up! I'm now more excited about it all. This is going to be fun! What an awesome job to get to be the one to turn the light bulb on over his head! To help him explore and learn through touching and experiment rather than sitting and listening! But oh man... GOD HELP ME PLEASE!

Jay: Has had some exciting undercover stuff in his work... He truly lights up at doing stuff out of the ordinary! His new job offers more freedom! Its really exciting to watch! He is supporting all our changes although is also worried that i will need to be sent to the loony bin!

New Baby Whitsell!

We have made it to 11 weeks... wow that's all... i look like i am at least 4 months... i guess that's what happens when you are on your 9th pregnancy... You body is like "I know how to do this... Out with the gut!" at 11 weeks he or she has fingers and toes... teeny tiny ones! Baby W weighs about 1/2 an ounce and is the size of a large lime (2.5 inches from booty to head) It moves and has hiccups.. (although i don't' feel anything yet) My due date is Sept 8th 2010. ALTHOUGH all three of my kids have been born at 28 weeks. Aidan 28 weeks 1 day. Kendra 28 weeks 5 days. Karly 28 weeks 6 days. So that make Baby W's estimated delivery date to be sometime around the 25th of August!

Busy bee!

Today i woke up at 6:23am to realize my alarm clock is broke... super! jumped outta bed yelled to aidan to get up... made him oatmeal and me something to soothe the upset stomach... Yep gingerale for breakfast... cleaned out his back pack... Oh no there is no clean uniforms... What to do... Check the iron pile.. Sweet... There's one of every piece in there... no time to iron. Stick them in the dryer with a wet blanket and pray- back to nag him to eat his oatmeal faster- give him his meds- finish cleaning out his back pack... a report "Aidan when is this due?" "I dunno" ... Write note to teacher... Make him lunch... "Mom i don't want peanut butter" Ok.. peanut butter stuff back in pantry pull out ham and cheese stuff... wake jay... finish sandwich... Babies crying... why? "KENDRA WHY IS KARLY CRYING" Kendra: "I didn't do it" ! Pick up Karly... Give her a bran muffin in hopes she will poo today...Give Kendra a bran muffin hope she doesn't poo too much today. Make her a sippy of juice... Jay needs under ware... Uhhhh... I look and my laundry pile seriously considering giving him a dirty pair and telling him they are clean... I find an actual clean pair... (i promise) pull Aidan's uniform out of dryer... good enough...Aidan and jay off to school... Dishes... clean up Karly... Karly unloading the plastic Tupperware drawer while i unload the dishwasher... Stick my hand in the sink and cut it on a knife i didn't know was there... Kendra yelling about something in the bathroom... She overflowed the toilet... Run back to grab Karly and put her in the play room... She cries... Clean bathroom... Plunge toilets... Disinfect bathroom, self and Kendra... Talk to Kendra about the appropriate amount of toilet paper... Dog is barking outside... Karly is barking back.. walk in and they are both licking the slider door (different sides) Stop to laugh... No clean bottles must finish the dishes... Load dishwasher get it started... Go throw in a load of undies... need to straighten hair... On to look for a tutu... get distracted by facebook... Back to look for a tutu... Remind Kendra what first position is... Ask her to show me... Remind her to listen to her teacher... sip of ginger ale... feeling quite ill... Think about the rest of the day.. go to make a list and end up at this blog... WOW... It was only 8:45am when i started writing this. The rest of the day will be the same... I have ballet at 10:30- A play date at 12- pick up Aidan at 2:30- Homework and dinner - Awanas at 6:15pm pick him up at 8pm.. Shower and bath-hopefully everyone tucked in by 9pm. I will look back at this blog someday and wonder how i did it... OR wish i had it that good again being that i am pregnant with our fourth!

updates!

Karly Scooting with kix stuck to her butt!


our awesome gate... and karly's Cracks!

Happy 8th Birthday sweet boy!

CAKE and no teeth

Aidan's Class singing happy birthday!

Diggin an RC track in the back yard

hallelujah

Kendra stuck a key in her ngiht light! It melted the key to her light... She's lucky to be alive!


So i had this grand idea to blog more often so i could save it as a way for the kids to look back into our everyday life... well since i haven't blogged since the beginning of December... We'll just aim at gettin in one a week!
Since then

~ We had Christmas, it was a little tight this year money wise but we still got to have fun. I hopeing do a good job of instilling in the kids the true reason for the season. Happy Birthday Jesus!

~ Kendra started and is very successful in potty training !!! !Yea... and again mommy says "YEA!"

~Kendra Started Ballet! SOOO CUTE! She loves it... She called it ballerina class but it sounds a bit like diarreah class! : )

~ Karly can crawl like a big girl(as of three days ago) Until then she was scooting.. very well and fast but not the official crawl!

~Karly can pull her self up on things and take steps while holding on! Won't be long!

~Aidan started Awanas... So cute... So many memories that come with watching them learn the word of God!

~Aidan has been struggling with spelling so we are trying some new study techniques... update to follow

~Aidan went on an awesome field trip to a museum! So much fun

~Aidan got a early birthday present of a RC car... a nice one.... dad got one too of course!

~Aidan lost his two top teeth!

~we all got the stomach flu so bad... OHHH baby it was bad!

~We built and RC track in the back yard... so much fun! Gave the stomach flu to our good friends the shaurettes!

~ We got an amazing gate that fences in the whole family room... The reason for this ugly gate .... Drum roll please.... I am PREGNANT.... Seriously! I'm not kidding... I really am!

~I am about 9 weeks pregnant! Whoa baby 4 kids... I am already huge! I look like a 5 month pregnant mama... Its probably a mixture of being very bloated and having this be my 9th... yes i said 9th pregnancy! All was going well till this week when my hormones took a turn for the worse... they put me on a huge amount of hormones... 100mg only had 50m with karly... Wow... i am sick all the time! So here are some pictures (none of them have my fat gut in them! you welcome) of the past two months

Ladder, apple, tea parties and failure

So today i feel like i failed. I feel like i failed as a wife, as a woman, as a mother, and as a child of God. Have you ever had a day where you feel like an epic failure? That would be my today...
I yelled at aidan. Almost everyday i yell at aidan... and kendra... but i think aidan is hurt by it more. I want to stop... i hate that ugly part of me. I do not feel better after i feel worse... But to make it worse it was for a stupid reason.

I have a stomach ache.. I've had one for about 4 months mayben more now. It hurts first thing in the morning and about 30 mins after each meal, and if i let my stomach get too empty. I try to manage it myself, figure out what is causeing it... but i don't know. I've tried all sorts of things. So if i go to the dr then i feel like a hypocondriac and like i will be too sick to care for my kids... So i don't go... and it hurts.

I made us late getting to church... i made us late yesterday for aidan's christmas caroling...and again today for church... Damn showers!

MY house is a MESS>>.. and by mess i mean paths from the kitchen to the family room to the bathroom and to the bedrooms. You cannot eat at our dining room table and you cannot set dishes on the sink there is no room.

I went to church today and as i sat there singing a song i hadn't heard before it said the words... failure... I burst into tears... trying so hard not to shake and not to make a scene, not to be noticed at all. In my head i cried "LORD..." and that's all that i could even cry in my head... I couldn't even say... "HELP ME" i couldn't say "Lord I've failed you" I was a mess...

So you see my problem... I feel like a failure... But tomorrow is a new day... with a clean slate, and the ability to start new! Hopefully it will be better and i will feel like a better mother, wife, woman, and Child of the most high King!

Aidan; Aidan attempted to conquer his fear of heights and go on the roof with dad. After some tears he got to the top step of the ladder, posed for a picture and got down. I WAS SO PROUD! He did his best... I don't tell him enough! Other than that he played with his sister and we went to church followed by dinner at Lolo's!

Kendra... Had a tea party in her brothers room. It was kinda funny! She played dress up in a nice dress not a dress up dress... but hey she will only fit in it for so long.

Karly: Karly is actively working on her tooth... I can faintly see it beyond the swelling. She bit on my finger and cried, so its just right there! She ate diced apple baby food today for the first time. She is so cute picking up the little bites and putting them in her mouth. So much work!

fireplaces

A week ago a man came to my house to work on my fireplace. He told me that his wife had written down the days events and about what each child had done almost everyday of their lives... I thought this was way cool and have started journaling the good the bad and the ugly. But i find typing so much more efficient... so i am going to try to do so on my blog. I'm going to try blogging daily... (let's see how long this lasts for)! : )

Aidan: Slept in (of course on a day mama couldn't) got up and we got ready for his Christmas caroling at a retirement community. We got there 5 mins late and that was all it took to completely miss the entire thing! He cried and i almost cried as well... What a failure i felt like! There was so much frustration and chaos in trying to get all three ready and out the door... The rest of the day he played on his Wii and with his sister. The night ended in bath time with his two sisters (may have to stop that soon) and cuddling by the fire!

Kendra: Day started late also slept in! : ( Why can't they do that on days when i can??? She is completely obsessed with being "super" which means a super hero. I asked her if she was a super hero and she said "NO mama i am super princess" I said "super hero princess?" She said " NO MAMA SUPER PRINCESS!!!!" ohhhh! She was also sad she didn't get to help brother sing... After singing we went to Lowes where she threw a tantrum in the cart and had to go to the car early... The day ended with bath, cuddling and play super!

Karly Jae: Is a jewel. She really is darling and a delicate little bird, although she growles! She doesn't like it when her sister and brother yell like they did while getting their pictures taken in front of the fireplace. She slept in this morning till 830 only nursed once last night... Wow my boobs hurt this morning! She is still creeping across the floor.. won't be long till she crawls. She got a bruise on her forehead by banging it on the mantel! : ( She is so happy... I just want to hold her all day and never put her down!

JAson and I : I feel like i failed by getting out of the House late and missing something important to aj. I am already planning next years ugly sweater party... It will be fun... especially bc i will not be nursin or preggers... Jay put up smoke detectors... and is waiting not very patiently for me to get off the computer so he can play his games!