Motherhood-honesty!

So on Oprah last week was the authors of the book 'I'd trade my husband for a housekeeper'. On Oprah's show they encouraged mothers to be honest with their struggles, and to stop putting up a front for the world to see, to maybe be an honest to goodness truly DESPERATE housewife. I'm gonna give it a try. Hey if there are any other mom's out there that want to share their struggles as well, maybe i won't feel so alone!
To be desperate to me means buying 'food' that i think doesn't deserve to be in the edible category (mac n cheese, spaghetti o's, et) and serving it for dinner and lunch multiple times this week, making a conscience decision to fall asleep while peeing because 30 seconds is better than no seconds, figuring out that you can scream and cry AS LOUD as you want in the garage as long as the dryer is going and no one will hear (at least i think), feeling guilty (but only for about 5mins) for actually duct taping Kendra's diaper on to avoid the poop smearing incident we had last week, having a toddler escape your grasp and make a run for it in a PARKING LOT and being on a hill so i can't let go of the basket with the newborn in it therefore being forced to choose between your children, and lastly being so mad at Kendra for stealing the joy of having a newborn, stealing my sleep, being the reason i cry...
This has been the hardest season of my life. Harder than being a single mom, harder than being a full time student and a mom, harder than being a working mom, harder than being a newly wed with no clue and a mom. This is the last time i will have a newborn. I want nothing more than to cuddle up on the couch with my three children and read them a book, but that story always ends in Kendra punching her brother, brother crying, mommy spanking, Karly crying. We all knew kendi was a strong willed child but i don't think anyone knew she would act like this. I am trying new things to get my family under control but i still feel the need to write supper nanny a letter. We'll see how it goes. But as for now, i feel i have failed. Maybe not completely as a mother but at least i feel i have failed kendra. I don't know where the line is. Where do i say "okay you won" or do i keep spanking, giving time outs, yelling and crying? I really miss looking at her and wanting to hold my sweet girl, instead of wondering what she is about to do. I love her, i love ALL my kids more than life. There's a saying... Having kids is like allowing your heart to walk around outside your body...
How's that for honesty!