Sunday, December 13, 2009

Ladder, apple, tea parties and failure

So today i feel like i failed. I feel like i failed as a wife, as a woman, as a mother, and as a child of God. Have you ever had a day where you feel like an epic failure? That would be my today...
I yelled at aidan. Almost everyday i yell at aidan... and kendra... but i think aidan is hurt by it more. I want to stop... i hate that ugly part of me. I do not feel better after i feel worse... But to make it worse it was for a stupid reason.

I have a stomach ache.. I've had one for about 4 months mayben more now. It hurts first thing in the morning and about 30 mins after each meal, and if i let my stomach get too empty. I try to manage it myself, figure out what is causeing it... but i don't know. I've tried all sorts of things. So if i go to the dr then i feel like a hypocondriac and like i will be too sick to care for my kids... So i don't go... and it hurts.

I made us late getting to church... i made us late yesterday for aidan's christmas caroling...and again today for church... Damn showers!

MY house is a MESS>>.. and by mess i mean paths from the kitchen to the family room to the bathroom and to the bedrooms. You cannot eat at our dining room table and you cannot set dishes on the sink there is no room.

I went to church today and as i sat there singing a song i hadn't heard before it said the words... failure... I burst into tears... trying so hard not to shake and not to make a scene, not to be noticed at all. In my head i cried "LORD..." and that's all that i could even cry in my head... I couldn't even say... "HELP ME" i couldn't say "Lord I've failed you" I was a mess...

So you see my problem... I feel like a failure... But tomorrow is a new day... with a clean slate, and the ability to start new! Hopefully it will be better and i will feel like a better mother, wife, woman, and Child of the most high King!

Aidan; Aidan attempted to conquer his fear of heights and go on the roof with dad. After some tears he got to the top step of the ladder, posed for a picture and got down. I WAS SO PROUD! He did his best... I don't tell him enough! Other than that he played with his sister and we went to church followed by dinner at Lolo's!

Kendra... Had a tea party in her brothers room. It was kinda funny! She played dress up in a nice dress not a dress up dress... but hey she will only fit in it for so long.

Karly: Karly is actively working on her tooth... I can faintly see it beyond the swelling. She bit on my finger and cried, so its just right there! She ate diced apple baby food today for the first time. She is so cute picking up the little bites and putting them in her mouth. So much work!

Saturday, December 12, 2009


A week ago a man came to my house to work on my fireplace. He told me that his wife had written down the days events and about what each child had done almost everyday of their lives... I thought this was way cool and have started journaling the good the bad and the ugly. But i find typing so much more efficient... so i am going to try to do so on my blog. I'm going to try blogging daily... (let's see how long this lasts for)! : )

Aidan: Slept in (of course on a day mama couldn't) got up and we got ready for his Christmas caroling at a retirement community. We got there 5 mins late and that was all it took to completely miss the entire thing! He cried and i almost cried as well... What a failure i felt like! There was so much frustration and chaos in trying to get all three ready and out the door... The rest of the day he played on his Wii and with his sister. The night ended in bath time with his two sisters (may have to stop that soon) and cuddling by the fire!

Kendra: Day started late also slept in! : ( Why can't they do that on days when i can??? She is completely obsessed with being "super" which means a super hero. I asked her if she was a super hero and she said "NO mama i am super princess" I said "super hero princess?" She said " NO MAMA SUPER PRINCESS!!!!" ohhhh! She was also sad she didn't get to help brother sing... After singing we went to Lowes where she threw a tantrum in the cart and had to go to the car early... The day ended with bath, cuddling and play super!

Karly Jae: Is a jewel. She really is darling and a delicate little bird, although she growles! She doesn't like it when her sister and brother yell like they did while getting their pictures taken in front of the fireplace. She slept in this morning till 830 only nursed once last night... Wow my boobs hurt this morning! She is still creeping across the floor.. won't be long till she crawls. She got a bruise on her forehead by banging it on the mantel! : ( She is so happy... I just want to hold her all day and never put her down!

JAson and I : I feel like i failed by getting out of the House late and missing something important to aj. I am already planning next years ugly sweater party... It will be fun... especially bc i will not be nursin or preggers... Jay put up smoke detectors... and is waiting not very patiently for me to get off the computer so he can play his games!