Sunday, December 13, 2009

Ladder, apple, tea parties and failure

So today i feel like i failed. I feel like i failed as a wife, as a woman, as a mother, and as a child of God. Have you ever had a day where you feel like an epic failure? That would be my today...
I yelled at aidan. Almost everyday i yell at aidan... and kendra... but i think aidan is hurt by it more. I want to stop... i hate that ugly part of me. I do not feel better after i feel worse... But to make it worse it was for a stupid reason.

I have a stomach ache.. I've had one for about 4 months mayben more now. It hurts first thing in the morning and about 30 mins after each meal, and if i let my stomach get too empty. I try to manage it myself, figure out what is causeing it... but i don't know. I've tried all sorts of things. So if i go to the dr then i feel like a hypocondriac and like i will be too sick to care for my kids... So i don't go... and it hurts.

I made us late getting to church... i made us late yesterday for aidan's christmas caroling...and again today for church... Damn showers!

MY house is a MESS>>.. and by mess i mean paths from the kitchen to the family room to the bathroom and to the bedrooms. You cannot eat at our dining room table and you cannot set dishes on the sink there is no room.

I went to church today and as i sat there singing a song i hadn't heard before it said the words... failure... I burst into tears... trying so hard not to shake and not to make a scene, not to be noticed at all. In my head i cried "LORD..." and that's all that i could even cry in my head... I couldn't even say... "HELP ME" i couldn't say "Lord I've failed you" I was a mess...

So you see my problem... I feel like a failure... But tomorrow is a new day... with a clean slate, and the ability to start new! Hopefully it will be better and i will feel like a better mother, wife, woman, and Child of the most high King!

Aidan; Aidan attempted to conquer his fear of heights and go on the roof with dad. After some tears he got to the top step of the ladder, posed for a picture and got down. I WAS SO PROUD! He did his best... I don't tell him enough! Other than that he played with his sister and we went to church followed by dinner at Lolo's!

Kendra... Had a tea party in her brothers room. It was kinda funny! She played dress up in a nice dress not a dress up dress... but hey she will only fit in it for so long.

Karly: Karly is actively working on her tooth... I can faintly see it beyond the swelling. She bit on my finger and cried, so its just right there! She ate diced apple baby food today for the first time. She is so cute picking up the little bites and putting them in her mouth. So much work!