I pick up Aidan everyday from school and while waiting the 20 mins i either think, read a magazine, or do something else that my two year old didn't allow me to do. That 20 mins becomes my saving grace on some days. Today my thoughts were on my very patient husband and why i am so insecure about him finding someone else or leaving me. It dawned on me that i have always thought that i could never possibly love someone on a comparable level to my kids. Since i have been a mom for 7 years and a wife for 3 i just assumed he would always be next in line but not equal to. It hit me today that not only is it on the same level but it is equally as frightening.
The first time you hold you child some moms like me panic in this completely overwhelmed thought of how the HELL am i going to protect and raise this child. You find yourself wanting to build a perfect padded room in which you prefect child will reside for the rest of its life. I feel that way about jay. Granted it took three years but it hit me, my sudden irrational fear is a fear a mother has for her child, but the problem is he's grown, and he's a cop. He puts himself in harms way on a DAILY basis and unlike a mother i cannot forbid him to cross the road without holding my hand or.... not play with guns.... I fear that God would allow him to be taken from me in a grown up version of cops and robbers and i panic the same way i do when i think about one of my children being taken. Someone once told me that the first year or two are kinda like marriage boot camp and it is NOT pretty! They were right. They also said after that you can't imagine life without them or to go further can't live without them. I am so glad we have reached this place, and i am glad i had my 20 mins to think about why i was being so childish and insecure. The bottom line is we have reached a new and IMPROVED level of love.
