when i grow up

When i grow up i am going to invent Nannies that give Mommies sick days!!!! This morning i was preparing dinner (crock pot chicken spaghetti) barfing in the sink while holding three month old Karly. THen kendra comes in an starts rambling off the things she wants to eat and between that and the raw chicken i loose it... ihead for the sink and hope its clear cuz THAR SHE BLOWS>... When kendi grabs my leg and sits on my foot. I CRANE my neck and stretch my body and pull my leg with all my might! It all ended well... except for my poor coffee which came back up with a vengeance. So ... back to my original thought... I am going to invent Nannies that are covered under your insurance to come in when mommies are sick and daddies are at work. They come in and be mommy for the day, week, month whatever the DR orders... Don't steal my idea... I'm so gonna patent it!

I'm simply giddy!

Giddy.... Giddy... Giddy...........GIDDY

The diagnosis!

We got to the Dr. late...We sat in the room for a long while... The Dr came in Examined her head... looked at the Ct scan and said " i have good news for you, there is no chance of craniosynostosis! Not now, not ever!" THANK YOU JESUS! Then he said she has a positional deformity that can totally be corrected by having her lay on her other side!!! Seriously we got outta there without even a helmet! We all had a bit of a cry when the Dr. left the room!
Thank you for everyone's support and prayer! We truly have never felt so lifted up and carried! We are very blessed! Thank you!
I got three perfectly healthy babies! I am so blessed!

Just a reminder

It dawned on me this morning... I am much like my two year old! If i tell her "nope no candy" she sits on the ground and cries, sometimes there is tantrum involved. If i tell her "yeah you can have a piece" I am the best mom in the world and most of the time this warrants a hug and an "I wuv ou mommy"
So why am i like that with God, my Papa? Where you lead i will follow? UNLESS... i don't like where you are going, and in that case i will sit on the ground and cry, kick, scream, and QUESTION your ability to be GOD! Seriously? So if the Dr. says "yea Karly is fine" Oh Papa you are the best God, completely in control, thank you Jesus, its a MIRACLE! If the Dr. Says "Karly's gonna die, Karly's gonna be mentally retarded, Karly's gonna need surgery" "why God WHY? WHY ME? Ohh mercy! " Then i would most likely question his ability to lead 'me', and rebuke the devil, as if God wasn't LEADING me.
I am writing this to remind myself. It is 6am and the unknown is killing me.... BUT ALI God is leading you HAVE TO follow!

friday 9am

Tomorrow is the day... i think i might throw up

Update... sorta

So i really have very little to update on. We have a Dr. Apt with one Dr. Zouros a pediatric Neurosurgeon at loma Linda hospital on Friday at 9am.

How are we doing? Jay is calm and positive but i have caught him holding her and crying... Never a good sign when you husband is showing weakness.... Aidan and Kendi are good, mostly normal. Aidan asks questions once in a while and kendi is a fire ant as always.

How am i doing? I really thought i was doing good. I really want a new camera, my old one kicked the bucket. So i have been kinda obsessed with finding the perfect one. I also have been cleaning alot... i was laughing to myself today thinking i was finally nesting... kinda late for a nest the egg hatched almost three months ago! So i was cleaning today and sat on the couch to feed Kar and i felt short of breath, then my heart started racing or skipping beats or something along that line. I first thought asthma, then heart attack (I'm very dramatic that way) then i realized i was having a panic attack. Something i have done before. I was diagnosed with ADD in Junior high and when things get too outta control i start having panic attacks, but usually they start with me crying, not me watching TLC and nursing a baby. I think it snuck up on me how scared i really am. I know, i say it, but i don't think i have DELT with it. I realized that i want a camera so bad because what if she isn't here with me very much longer, what if she isn't normal looking for a long time or never again. I realized i have been cleaning so that i am able to focus on dealing with the worse case scenarios. So i guess i could be doing better.

As far as Karly goes, here are the possible scenarios i can see at the moment;

Worse case scenario (besides death of course)

She is physically or mentally handicapped due to damage to come or damage from an existing condition.

The slightly better scenario is the MAJOR.... HORRIBLE surgery to correct her skull shape.

The best case scenario

We get outta there with a helmet and physical therapy.

What we know at the moment:

THe bad news: her sutures (soft spots) are too close together

The good news: They are not closed YET

The bad news: she is showing signs of being developmentally delayed.

Yesterday i was looking at the link on my page under my blog list (on the right) titled Hayley Collins, her baby is 4 weeks and 2 days younger than Kars and he can hold his head up WELL. He can hold his entire chest of the ground. When you set Kars on the ground she goes face first into the carpet... No jokes please... I give her ample tummy time everyday and this last week i have been working with her on it. She is not getting better. I believe her head holding up skills are about that of a baby the age of 4 weeks. Seeing Hayley's son was like a rude awakening. She is behind, there is a problem there! But we don't know what YET.

So Friday morning keep her in prayer. I believe it will be a miracle if we get a "good" diagnosis. When i last saw her pediatrician she attempted to talk me out of the possibility of that it is just a positional problem. Meaning she lays in the same way. Because she has a bald spot or thin spot all the way around her head meaning she is turning her head by herself. And i knew that. She never really leaves her head the same way.

Well to leave you with something a little more light hearted. I was trying to get Kendra to come with me to the car to go pick up her Buhbuh (Aidan) when she collapsed on the ground in a most dramatic fashion and announced "Nee nee (her nickname) is dead!!!" as she placed a hand over her forehead!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!

About a week ago Aidan and Kendi were playing out back i walked out to find them both naked and Aidan was wearing two bike inner tubes. They where between his legs like a thong and up to his shoulders.... I fell on the ground LAUGHING!!!!! I asked him what the deal was and he told me he was a transformer... OKay!?!?!

SO then i look to kendi and say "common Nee nee lets go poopy on the big girl potty and i'll give you some candy" She smiled and then put her hands on her hips and said "NO!" "Nee Nee poops on grass like doggy!!!" Then turned her naked buns around and walked away!

Songs with meaning

Sometimes i don't know how to word things real well... but i have found comfort and understanding in the words of these three songs..

This first song i sang to myself one night after a fight with Aidan's biological father. He told me he would come in the night and take Aidan and i would never see him again. I was terrified... I look back at that time and wonder how i got through it as i am sure i will look back at this time and wonder the same thing... I sang this song through my tears holding my precious baby boy not knowing what tomorrow held and found comfort. This is a Rich Mullins song...

Well, sometimes my life Just don't make sense at all When the mountains look so big And my faith just seems so small
So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf You have been King of my glory Won't You be my Prince of Peace

This song was more during the period in my life right after i had my very first (of 5) miscarriages. I was almost 4 months along and hit a wall of depression afterwards... I felt so alone. This is a Barlow girl song.

I cried out with no reply

And I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know

You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You

And I can't explain why

Such a deep, deep reassurance

You've placed in my life

We cannot separate 'Cause

You're part of me

And though You're invisible

I'll trust the unseen

This last song is for my NOW... I am soooooo scared. I don't know if i can do this. I occasionally break down and throw tantrums much like Kendra does... Today i looked over at Jason hold Karly on the couch and he was crying. His tears were landing on her head. He doesn't get emotional, he doesn't worry. I don't know what tomorrow is going to hold. and i can say WE are scared! This is a Casting Crowns song.

I was sure by now

That You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen",

and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear You

whisper through the rain"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands

and praise the God who gives

And takes away

I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

Every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry

You raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The maker of heaven and earth

update on karly

When i was a little girl me and my brother shared a bad case of strep throat. We passed it back and forth probably three times. At that time my dad worked as a hospital administrator and so the Dr made house calls..... whatta job perk huh? When the Dr came to the house i said i felt horrible, my throat hurt... pout pout... (i was lying)... i didn't want to go to school the next day! I thought she give me some yummy strawberry syrup to drink before bed and i would get a long weekend with Andy... She looked down my throat, my heart raced, would i get caught? Would she know i was lying... "Yep you got the white patches on the back of your throat, you got it!!!" Wow i thought... that was easy! I'm so smart! She looked down my brothers throat, yup he has it too... SWEET i thought we can play together!She turned and looked worried at my mom "we've given the oral antibiotics so many times this winter i think a shot might be better" OHhhh no! My plan backfired... I ran to the bathroom crying about having to pee, when i came out my brother was pulling down his ninja turtle underwear and aiming a butt cheek at the Dr who was posed with the needle like she was about to throw a dart at his bum! I ran back into the bathroom. I remember sitting on the toilet looking at my feet (which didn't touch the floor yet) and thinking i will just have to tell the truth! So i came out and humbly told the Dr i had made up my symptoms, a total exaggeration on my part, I am sure i will feel just fine in the morning and i will get up and go to school! She looked at me and said "No sweetie you have strep throat you have to get a shot" I RAN, but sadly my dad caught my arm, held me over his knee and gently took down my care bear undies and i got the dart in my cheek!

I feel the same way now. Karly is fine, i just over reacted. She just sat in the birth canal too long, she isn't sick and won't be sick. She is FINE physically and MENTALLY!!! There's no need for a pediatric Neuro SURGEON!!! There's no need to Loma Linda... I over reacted... I worry too much...

The bottom line is i am scared i will get the shot anyway. I am scared i really do have strep throat. I am scared i will never see her as normal. Although i will love her NO MATTER what... I am afraid!

We have an appointment with a Dr. Zorro... So lets hope he is as heroic as his name implies and we are on our way with little more than a helmet and a follow up appointment... Right now i am running low on hope! How many HMO's can get two referrals submitted and approved in less than one week, one in the same day???